


Golden Keys and Gray Lines

by in_the_woods



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andreil, Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Andrew's past, Developing Relationship, I Don't Even Know, Kissing, Learning to trust, M/M, Neil's Past, POV Andrew Minyard, POV Multiple, POV Neil Josten, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Canon, Probably more than kissing, Road Trips, School, Summer, if you know what i mean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-08 14:23:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14107281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_the_woods/pseuds/in_the_woods
Summary: Neil Josten has a collection of keys he wants to use, but that doesn't mean he'll stay.Andrew Minyard sees things as only black or white, but that doesn't mean Neil isn't gray.OrNeil and Andrew’s POVs through the next year(s) of their lives at Palmetto.





	1. Controlling the Run

Neil Josten was born to kill, but raised to run.

For the last eight years, Neil had spent everyday as if it was his last. He’d barely escaped with his life, but here he was _alive._

Signing with the Foxes should’ve signed his death certificate, the final nail in the coffin his father had probably designed, but instead it had given him a future. The Foxes had given him a family. Not one made of bloodlines, but one he chose. The Foxes had given him a home. Not a house surrounded by a white picket fence, but a place he felt safe and known. The Foxes had introduced him to Andrew. And Andrew, _Andrew_ had given him key after key.

There were tangible keys, all of them hanging on Neil’s keychain. The one to the cousins’ house in Columbia. The one to Andrew’s unfixable car. The one to Andrew’s new Maserati. Each was light in weight, but heavy in meaning. They, along with the keys to the Foxhole Court and Fox Tower, grounded Neil when he felt himself slipping into the darkness of his past.

But there were also keys that Neil knew weren’t as easily distributed. Andrew had unlocked parts of Neil that no one had been able to before. He had unlocked Neil’s truths, and given truths in return. Andrew had unlocked the first of their many intimacy issues, an impossible thought for either of them until this year, but they had both willingly consented.

Andrew had handed Neil the keys, and Neil had wanted to use them. He wanted to stay, and for once staying was an option.

Wanting to stay and actually staying, however, were two entirely different things. Maybe to others it was easy, but for Neil it was another betrayal he hoped his mother would never know. In the last year, Neil had broken promise after promise. Overcoming his past should’ve felt triumphant, but for Neil it was bittersweet. His mother had spent her last remaining years fighting and dying to keep Neil alive. Now Neil was able to live freely, but he still had to fight to keep himself from following his mother’s orders to run.

The itch to run was growing stronger. Neil didn’t need to run, he knew that, his father was dead, Riko was dead, Lola was dead, he had the deal with the Moriyama’s, but still he heard his mother’s voice in his head.

_Go, Nathaniel. Run. Now._

Neil awoke and shot up in bed. “Mom!” He yelled. He shoved his hands under his pillow in search for his gun. It wasn’t there. Panic overcame him. “Mom,” he yelled again because she hadn’t answered the first time.

His mom still didn’t answer him. Neil felt his chest restricting oxygen as it tried to enter his lungs. His vision was crackling like static from an old television, obstructing his view of the room around him.

“Neil,” an even-toned voice said.

Neil froze at the sound of the voice. He’d heard the voice before.

“ _Neil.”_ _Andrew._ The voice belonged to Andrew. His vision slowly cleared, but the panic in his chest lingered. They were in Andrew’s bedroom in Columbia. He could still smell Andrew’s shampoo from the shower he’d taken late last night. He looked to Andrew, his usual display of indifference firmly in place, but, for a second, Neil saw the tense look in his eyes.

Andrew’s hand hovered over Neil’s wrist. “Yes or no?” He asked Neil. During the first week of summer break they had grown comfortable touching hands and wrists without directly asking, but, because of Neil’s panicked state, Neil knew Andrew wouldn’t touch him without his consent. 

Neil stared at his hand, sitting mere inches below Andrew’s. Just Andrew being near him made Neil feel safe and comforted. “Yes,” he said, his voice hoarse from his fear. Andrew wrapped his fingers around Neil’s wrist, his thumb stroking the underside of his forearm.

They sat there for a few minutes in silence. Neil’s panic and his mother’s voice disappeared. His need to run wasn’t pulsing through him as steadily, but Neil knew it was only a matter of time before it aggressively resurfaced.

Neil watched the early morning sun shine through the window as it glistened on Andrew’s blonde hair. He looked like an angel, and Neil had to bite his tongue to keep from smiling.

“Staring,” Andrew warned.

Neil shifted his eyes away from Andrew ever so slightly, and hoped Andrew would feel it was enough. But just in case, he changed the subject, “We only have two weeks left of summer break.”

“Looks like I’m not the only one who can read a calendar,” Andrew said bored of this conversation already. 

“Well I was thinking,” Neil said.

“That’s dangerous.”

Neil rolled his eyes, but continued, “Maybe we could go on a road trip?” Neil was pretty sure Andrew would say yes, but he framed it into a question. He didn’t want to force Andrew into anything he wasn’t comfortable doing.

“Why?” Andrew asked, the only indication he was interested. Neil had expected the question, but didn’t have an answer for it. Neil refused to lie to Andrew anymore, he didn’t need to, but he didn’t know if he’d be able to tell him the truth either.

A road trip, Neil rationalized, was like running. Summer practices started in two weeks so they couldn’t be gone more than that. Andrew would be with him. He’d have a phone allowing the other Foxes to check in on him. It was running, but in a controlled setting.

But how could he tell Andrew, who had given him everything he never thought he could have, that he still wanted to run?

Andrew must’ve picked up on Neil’s hesitation, because he didn’t press him to answer. “Where did you have in mind?” Andrew asked.

“Anywhere you want.”

Andrew glared at Neil. “I don’t want anything, remember?”

“Except me,” Neil said automatically, ignoring Andrew’s glare. “We could go to Alabama. See a race at Talladega?” He watched Andrew’s face for any sign of interest, but Andrew only slid off the bed, releasing Neil’s wrist as he did. He walked out of the bedroom and into the bathroom. Neil knew that meant the discussion was over, and the road trip was not happening.

Needing to focus on something other than running, Neil checked his phone. It was charging on his nightstand. He hadn’t plugged it in last night, Andrew must have done it. Neil felt another bout of guilt for wanting to run when he had someone like Andrew.

There were dozens of unread texts. At least ten were drunken texts from Nicky all the way in Germany. Some of his texts were in German and the rest were a bunch of square boxes. Nicky still struggled to accept/remember that Neil’s phone didn’t have emojis.

Next were texts from Matt and Dan. Matt’s read, _Two wks!! Cant wait man! Dan and I are gonna call you tonight if youre around?!?_ And Dan’s said, _Miss u vice-cap!!!!!_ Neil replied to Dan’s first, _Miss you too, Dan,_ then Matt’s _Yeah, I’ll be around._ Neil sighed. He wasn’t lying, _he would be around_ , no matter how much he felt like running.

Surprisingly, Kevin had sent a text, but unsurprisingly, it said, _Two weeks until practices begin, Neil. You better not be out of shape. I don’t care if you’re vice-captain, I can still bench you._ Neil wondered how much Wymack would mind Neil killing his newly discovered son, but in the end decided against murder and responded, _Dick,_ to Kevin’s text.

Neil was just about to read Renee and Allison’s text messages when Andrew walked back into the room holding his toiletry bag overflowing with his toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, shaving cream, and shampoo. He gave Neil a bored look, then one around the room, and then landed on Neil again as he said, “I hope you don’t expect me to pack for you.”

Neil looked at him, confused, and asked, “Pack for wh—” before he cut himself off. “We’re going?”

“Not if you don’t pack,” was Andrew’s only response, before Neil was standing right in front of him.

Neil positioned his lips millimeters away from Andrew’s. “Yes or no?” He asked, but Andrew didn’t answer him. Instead, he pressed his lips to Neil’s. Their kiss was warm and rough and never-ending. Neil kept his arms behind his back to keep from accidentally touching Andrew without permission.

After a few seconds, or minutes, or hours, Andrew parted his lips from Neil’s to whisper, “Hair’s okay.” Neil felt his face flush as he accepted the key Andrew had given him. Andrew had given Neil this key before, but Neil knew that the locks were changed after each use. Neil refused to break in and rob Andrew of the one person he’d put his trust in.

Neil wouldn’t be another name on the long list of people who had betrayed Andrew. He wanted to be the first name on the list of people Andrew could trust.

When they finished kissing, Neil opened his eyes to stare at Andrew. Andrew’s hair was a mess from Neil’s fingers twisting in it. His lips were red and swollen. But Neil’s favorite part was the two seconds Andrew allowed himself to be vulnerable. Andrew’s pupils were huge, fully present in the moment, and the corners of his lips were turned up into the faintest of smiles. Neil returned Andrew’s small smile with an equally small smile just as Andrew composed himself.

Andrew grabbed his duffel bag from the closet, stuffing as much black clothing as the bag would allow and his toiletry bag into it. He zippered his duffel and left, leaving Neil alone in the bedroom. Once Andrew reached the top of the stairs, he yelled, “We’re leaving in fifteen minutes, Junkie.”

Neil changed his clothes, packed, and was in the passenger seat of the Maserati within fourteen minutes.


	2. Bumps in the Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew and Neil begin their road trip to Alabama. 
> 
> Neil hasn't spoken since they left Columbia, and Andrew admits to wanting something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up (and a trigger warning) that this chapter explores the inner workings of Andrew's mind. 
> 
> Past sexual abuse is implied/mentioned, but the actions of it are not described. 
> 
> Also some PTSD is described. 
> 
> Please let me know if I should add other warnings (I'm new to this and want to make everyone as prepared/comfortable as possible).

 

Nothing was ever _fine_ when Fucking Neil Fucking Josten was involved.

Neil made things messy. He blurred the black lines Andrew had spent his whole life drawing, turning them gray the longer Andrew allowed him to stay. Neil was a liar, a meddler, an idiot, an instigator, an Exy junkie, but that didn’t mean Andrew wouldn’t blow him. _Again._

Andrew hated Neil. Pure, black hatred. Neil Abram Josten was nothing to Andrew Joseph Minyard. Not a thing. Not thing. _Nothing._

But _something_ was bothering Neil. Andrew had felt the uneasy feeling creep into his chest as he watched Neil pretending, _lying,_ that everything was fine. Andrew ignored the feeling in his chest, reminding himself he didn’t care about Neil. Ignoring his feelings was a reflex. It wasn’t a _lie_ considering that everyone assumed Andrew wasn’t capable of possessing actual feelings. _Everyone,_ that is, _except Neil._

Instead of pushing Neil and pressing his issue any farther, Andrew packed a bag, grabbed his keys, and went to his black Maserati to wait for Neil. Neil entered the car with twenty-seven seconds remaining on Andrew’s fifteen-minute deadline. He looked different than he had fifteen minutes ago. His eyes were dulled, his shoulders slumped, and his stupid mouth was missing its stupid grin.

“Cutting it pretty close,” Andrew said, knowing that Neil always smiled when Andrew was first to speak. But Neil didn’t smile; he shrugged, and didn’t follow it with a smart-ass reply. If the other Foxes were here they’d probably think Neil was learning to think before he spoke, but Andrew knew Neil too well. He knew Neil couldn’t control his big mouth once he had something to say. _This_ was something else.

Andrew gave him a look, a combination of a glare and a question, and waited for Neil to tell him whatever was bothering him. Instead, Neil took Andrew’s keys from the cup holder and started the engine. Andrew put the car in drive, speeding down the road. For once in his life Neil was being quiet, and Andrew wasn’t about to waste it by forcing him to talk.

 

 

When Andrew wasn’t watching the road, he was watching the clock on the dashboard. They had been driving for six hours, and Neil had yet to say a word. The first hour had been familiar roads and peaceful quiet. The second hour had been newer roads and a pestering silence. By the third hour, Andrew didn’t give a fuck about the roads. In hour four, Neil had curled up against the window and fell asleep. Hour five resulted in Neil waking up and wordlessly pretending, _lying_ , that he had not just had a nightmare. And by hour six, Andrew was out of patience and control.

During the silent six hours, Andrew had decided that Neil Josten was an asshole. He had also decided that he _wanted_ the asshole to speak.

 _Be proud, Bee, and fuck you, Kevin,_ he thought. _I’m wanting and it fucking sucks ass._  

Wanting was on a list somewhere in Andrew’s eidetic memory written in black. It was not a word Andrew used. It was not a word he liked. It was not a word he acted out. But now, its black ink was beginning to fade into a dark gray, and it was all Neil Josten’s fault.

_I know you want this, Andrew._

_Please don’t._

_It’s okay to want it, Andrew._

_Please don’t._

_They_ had wanted it. _They_ had fucking wanted it. Andrew had never wanted any of it.

_If you want me to stop say please, Andrew._

_Please stop._

_I’ll give you whatever you want, Andrew._

_Please stop._

Andrew had never gotten the things he wanted. So he stopped wanting. Wants were for those who deserved it. Andrew had nothing. He deserved nothing. The only thing he wanted was nothing. Nothing couldn’t disappoint him. Nothing couldn’t hurt him. Nothing couldn’t betray him. Nothing was nothing was nothing was nothing.

Andrew didn’t remember how the car ended up at the side of the highway. He would’ve noticed if they had gotten into an accident, wouldn’t he? When had it become so dark? His jaw hurt from clenching too tight, but he didn’t unclench. He glanced at the clock. It read 9:43. He had been lost in his thoughts for over three hours.

He looked at Neil assessing him for damages. Then got out to check the car’s exterior. Everything was fine. Nothing was fine.

He got back in the car. Neil was staring at his hands.

_Say something, Neil._

Andrew killed the engine. His hands were shaking.

_Say something, Neil._

It was past the point that a cigarette would help him, and even if they could he didn’t think he’d be able to light one.

_Say something, Neil._

It was too much. His thoughts were too loud. He couldn’t remember if _it_ was happening now or if _it_ was in the past.

“I want—” he started to say, but the words died in his throat. He tried again, “Neil, I nee—” but again the words stopped flowing. Frustration and memories overwhelmed him. He was gasping for air. Or maybe he was grasping for something to hold onto. Something to keep him in the present, to keep from roaming through the endless darkness that held his memories. “Say something, Neil.”

Neil looked at him slowly. Even in the darkness his annoyingly beautiful blue eyes shined.

“Andrew,” Neil said. Andrew’s name coming from Neil’s lips hit him like a grand piano’s crash after falling from the top of the Empire State Building.

“Fuck you.” He had fucking said something because Andrew had wanted it. Fuck him. Fuck him. _Fuck him._ This was not how wanting worked.

“I-” Neil started, but was cut off by a sob shuddering through his body. _He fucking dared to speak again._

Anger rose in Andrew’s body, and, for the first time in a long time, he didn’t ignore it. He never took his eyes off Neil. He got out of the car, slamming the door so hard behind him that he wouldn’t be surprised if it broke. He walked around the car to the passenger side and opened Neil’s door. He placed the back of his left hand to the leather seat beside Neil’s right shoulder, and the back of his right hand next to Neil’s knees.

“Yes or no, Neil?” Andrew barked out. His voice was raw with emotion, which only made him angrier.

“Yes,” Neil whispered through a sob. Andrew scooped Neil into his arms, and sat in the passenger seat with Neil on his lap. He kept the passenger door open incase the close proximity became too much for either of them to handle. Despite the tears spilling down his cheeks and air pulverizing his lungs, Neil was staring at Andrew like he was a fucking knight in fucking armor on top of a fucking white steed. Andrew pushed Neil’s head to his shoulder.

_I am not a fucking knight._

When Neil finally spoke again, his voice was raspy. “You gave me keys,” Neil said. His head was still resting on Andrew’s shoulder. Andrew could feel every word as they left Neil’s lips. “I want to use them.”

_Want._

“So use them,” Andrew said. Andrew knew Neil knew that he understood the things Neil wasn’t saying.

“I don’t know if I can.” His voice was still raspy, and Andrew hated how good it sounded and felt against him.

“Don’t be stupid.”

“Andrew,” he said frustrated. He paused, lifting his head to look at Andrew’s face. Andrew’s shoulder instantly felt cold, a ghost in the shape of Neil’s head haunting him.

“You told me to stay, Andrew.”

“I remember.”

 _Don’t leave,_ Andrew thought as he stared at Neil. He pushed the thought down into the blackness. He didn’t need Neil. He didn’t want him.

God, Andrew hated himself. Andrew hated not being able to say the things that needed to be said. He hated not being able to admit, even to himself, the thoughts that had the potential to hurt him the most. He thought as long as he buried them deep they’d get lost between all the other memories he could never ever forget, but, like everything else in his mind, they resurfaced at the worst possible moments.

He hated how he let Neil affect him. Neil sprinkled little droplets of white, showing him the path out of his darkness. He hated it because sometimes it actually worked and Andrew actually believed, but then he’d have a nightmare or a panic attack reminding him that he didn’t deserve a way out or even Neil.

The thing Andrew hated most about himself, however, was how he allowed _them_ to win again and again. It was another black tally marked on _their_ scoreboard every time he couldn’t say something. No matter how hard Andrew tried, _they_ still had control over him. As long as _they_ had control, Andrew was and deserved nothing.

The frustration on Neil’s face had vanished and was replaced by sadness. “I keep hearing my mom telling me to run, and it’s getting harder and harder to ignore her,” Neil told him. “She died for me, and how did I repay her? I broke every promise I ever made her. I put myself in life-threatening situations almost weekly. I was reckless and stupid.” Andrew’s lips twitched ever so lightly as he tried to keep his smirk invisible. At least Neil knew now that he had been an idiot. “She didn’t deserve it, Andrew. She didn’t deserve to live on the run for eight years.”

Andrew stopped him before he could continue, “Neither did you, Neil.”

“I know, but—”

Andrew stopped him again, “ _Do you_? Do you know, Neil? Because if you did, I don’t think we’d be having this conversation. I don’t think we’d even be on this road trip if you knew.” 

Neil didn’t respond. They were quiet for a long time. Without a distraction, Andrew’s thoughts attacked him.

_He’s going to leave. He’s going to run._

_You pushed him too far away. And what will you be left with, Andrew?_

_Nothing._

_Nothing, nothing, nothing._

_You won’t even have your family._

_Nicky has Erik. Aaron has Katelyn. Kevin has Exy and Thea._

_You’ll finally get what you deserve, Andrew. You’ll get nothing._

Neil’s sudden movement pulled Andrew from his thoughts. He brought his head towards Andrew’s shoulder, but just before he made contact he recoiled.

“Still yes?” He asked Andrew. Neil was the dumbest person Andrew had ever met, and yet he was the only person to always ask for consent.

“Still yes.” Andrew confirmed without a second of hesitation. Neil pressed his head to Andrew’s shoulder, his auburn hair tickled Andrew’s neck. Andrew was surprised at how much he liked the feeling.

“Don’t let me run, Andrew.”

“You won’t,” Andrew promised him. Andrew _always_ kept his promises.

Andrew rested a cheek to Neil’s hair, and as he did, Neil shifted his head and pressed a kiss into Andrew’s neck. Andrew suppressed a shiver, but he couldn’t hide the goose bumps that formed on his skin or how his heart began to race. He felt Neil smile against his neck, and cursed the idiot out in his head.

“Alabama or home, Junkie?”

“Both.”

Andrew flicked his ear. “I’m not your home, Josten. And you are certainly not mine.”

Neil kissed Andrew’s neck again, “I don’t have to be yours, but you are mine.”

He pushed Neil out the open passenger side door, and crawled over the gearshift to get back into the driver’s seat. “One hundred and twelve percent.”

Neil laughed, and Andrew’s black world turned a little less dark.

 _Fucking Neil,_ he thought, but it didn’t have as much distain as it normally did.


	3. Past Meets Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the last day of their road trip, Neil and Andrew go to an ice cream museum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter makes references to Andrew's past sexual abuse and his abusers.

 

 

“ _So the rollercoaster starts, Dan’s in the middle with Allison and I on either side of her, and we barely finish the first loop when Allison throws up on the guy in front of her!”_ Matt barely kept his laughter under control as he told Neil about the upperclassmen’s trip to Six Flags.

“What color was it?” Neil asked as he repositioned his phone in his hand.

 _“It was bright blue! She had been drinking vodka mixed with blue Gatorade all day. It was so gross, Neil.”_ Matt fell into another fit of laughter, and Neil didn’t even try to stop himself from laughing too. He missed the upperclassmen a lot more than he expected he would. They were his family. Sure, even at their best, they were dysfunctional, but he wouldn’t want them any other way.

 _“Matt!”_ Neil heard Allison’s voice on the other end of the phone. _“If you tell one more person this story, I swear to God, I will cut your penis off while you sleep!”_

Matt’s laughter abruptly stopped. “ _Shit, I gotta go,”_ he told Neil. “ _I’ll text you later, man._ ”

“Alright.”

_“See you in a couple of days. Tell Andrew I said, ‘hi.’”_

“I will. Bye.” Neil ended the call, and plugged his phone into its charger. He looked up to find Andrew joining him on their hotel bed. He had made himself scarce when Neil’s phone had rung. “You could’ve stayed in our room,” he said to Andrew.

“ _Technically_ , I was still in our room.” _Technically_ , he was right. Their hotel room was a suite. They had a bedroom with a king sized bed, dresser, and massive television connected to a living room with a couch, coffee table, mini fridge stocked with sugary snacks and alcohol, and another huge television. There was a bathroom, triple the size of the one they shared with Kevin at Fox Tower, with a huge bathtub/Jacuzzi and a separate shower. There was even a balcony. Neil and Andrew had spent almost every night smoking and drinking whiskey on it.

“Still,” Neil said. “You didn’t need to go. Matt wouldn’t have cared.” Andrew gave him an accusatory look. Clearly, he wasn’t convinced. “He told me to tell you he said, ‘hi.’”

“How very monosyllabic of him. Next time he calls be sure to tell him I said, ‘Sup.’ I wouldn’t want him to think I didn’t deeply care about our friendship.”

“You’re impossible,” Neil said trying and failing to hide the smile on his face. He leaned in ninety percent of the way to kiss Andrew, allowing him to give consent by leaning in the remaining ten percent.

“You’re annoying,” Andrew said with an unimpressed look as he made the space between them disappear. The kiss was short, twenty seconds at most, but it still made Neil blush. Kissing Andrew had become the best parts of his day, and, as much as he wanted to get back to Palmetto State and his Foxes, he was worried their opportunities to kiss at school would be infrequent.

“Since it’s our last day,” Neil said. “Is there anything you think we should do?” He had almost slipped up, and asked Andrew _is there anything you want to do?_ He knew if he had used the word ‘want,’ Andrew would stare at him and end the conversation by telling him ‘I don’t want anything,’ which Neil knew was a lie, but he also knew he couldn’t ask for that key anytime soon.

Andrew looked at Neil for a couple of seconds. Neil couldn’t decipher whether Andrew was thinking of something for them to do, or whether Andrew was answering his question. Neil gave Andrew a few more seconds to stare at him.

Neil’s phone rang breaking Andrew and Neil’s eye contact. Neil grabbed his phone. Wymack was calling him. “It’s Coach,” he told Andrew as he accepted the call.

“Hi Coach,” Neil said into the phone. He didn’t try to stop Andrew as he watched him walk into their suite’s living room.

 _“Josten,”_ Wymack said in lieu of ‘hello’. _“When will you be back on campus?”_ _Same old Wymack_ , Neil thought, _never a man of small talk_. It was one of the things Neil liked best about him. He always got straight to the conversation’s point, never wasting time with bullshit questions.

“If everything goes according to plan, we should be back tomorrow night.”

 _“Nothing with you ever ‘goes according to plan,’ Josten.”_ He hadn’t said it to be mean, though it could’ve been taken that way. It was said factually, very practical. 

“That does seem to be my pattern,” Neil said.

 _“Well, anyway, let me know when you get back,”_ Wymack said. _“I want to go over the drills and plays we’ll be working on during the first few weeks of summer practice.”_

Just hearing the words ‘drills and plays’ and ‘summer practice’ were enough to excite Neil. He could only imagine the adrenaline pulsing through his veins when he stepped onto the court in a few days. It’d been too long since he’d last seen The Foxhole Court. Too long since he’d seen his Foxes.

Neil felt the need to run, but not away from home. _Towards home._ It was a strange feeling, and surprisingly, Neil welcomed it with open arms as he added another set of keys to his mental keychain. A little over a week ago, Neil had felt the need to run, but now, _now_ he couldn’t imagine staying away. Maybe this road trip was exactly what he needed after all. Maybe all he needed was to _trick_ his brain into thinking it was running away.

After he finished the call with Wymack, Neil headed to the living room to find Andrew. He was shocked by what he found. Andrew was sitting on the couch surrounded by a cluttered semi-circle of maps and brochures. 

For most people on a road trip mapping out destinations and routes was not out of the ordinary, but Andrew had made it very clear to Neil that he refused to use maps. It was the reason they ended up near Jackson, Mississippi rather than their original plan of Talladega, Alabama. Anytime Neil had made even the slightest movement towards the maps in the Maserati’s glove box, Andrew would take a random exit, get them lost, and then would head onto a new highway. After the fifth time, Neil had learned not to reach for the maps. He was a little embarrassed at how long it took him before he finally caught on.

But despite that, here was Andrew, drowning in a sea of maps.

Neil stared at him. He was sure Andrew knew he was standing there, but he made no acknowledgement of his presence. Finally, Neil, never able to keep silent for long, asked, “What are you doing?”

Andrew didn’t look up from the map sitting on his lap. “Reading a map,” Andrew said, stating the obvious. He had a pencil in his hand, and he was drawing a route from one circle he’d drawn to another.

“I know that,” Neil said.

“Then why’d you ask?” Andrew had yet to look up from the map.

Neil huffed out a breath of annoyance. He walked to the couch, and sat on its arm. He stared at the maps, completely confused.

After several minutes of mapping out locations unknown to Neil, Andrew looked up from the map to look at Neil. “There’s a museum not too far from here,” Andrew said.

“What kind of museum?” Neil asked.

“Ice cream,” Andrew answered, which made Neil laugh. Of course, the one time Andrew used a map, it was related to ice cream.

The museum was only a thirty-minute drive from their hotel. Since Andrew had an eidetic memory, there was no need for Neil to look at the map or direct him. In fact, Andrew had not even brought the map with them. This was perfectly fine with Neil, because it allowed him to watch Andrew the whole time, and for once, Andrew didn’t object.

Andrew pulled into a spot in the museum’s parking lot, and shut off the engine. Neil got out the car, making his way through the maze of parked cars. The museum’s exterior looked like a fairy princess had designed it. Neil knew Andrew loved ice cream, but he couldn’t imagine that he loved it enough to be bombarded by pink and frantic children the entire visit. Neil looked over at Andrew to gage his reaction. Only Andrew wasn’t there. 

Neil looked around him, but Andrew wasn’t anywhere in sight. Children were screaming and cheering, obstructing Neil’s ability to think clearly. He went to search the parking lot, but he still couldn’t find Andrew. Neil felt lost. He had no anchor, no brick wall to hold him up. He felt himself tipping, falling over.

 _This is Andrew,_ he told himself as panic began to seep in, _He doesn’t get lost._ Neil wasn’t sure if this thought made him feel better or worse. He circled the parking lot a few more times, but it wasn’t until he went back to the Maserati that he found Andrew.

Andrew was sitting in the driver’s seat with his seat belt still on. He was clutching his keys so tight that Neil felt their imprint on his own palm. Neil opened the passenger side door, and took a seat. He didn’t say a word, though, he just sat there finding his balance, and hoped he could be an anchor to Andrew as Andrew was for him.

After a while, Andrew’s tight grip on his keys loosened. He didn’t look at Neil as he said, “I wanted to go here when I was a kid.”

 _Wanted._ The word was a sucker punch to Neil’s gut.

“I was doing homework on the computer, researching fun facts and things to do in Mississippi, when I found this place.” He paused to look at Neil. Neil could sense where this childhood story of Andrew’s was headed. He prayed that it ended here. He didn’t know whom he was praying to, but he just wanted someone to make this memory of Andrew’s childhood be a good one.

“I told my foster parents,” Andrew continued. “My foster mother said that they couldn’t afford to take me to Mississippi, and ended the conversation. I assumed that was the end of it, but late that night my foster father came into my room. He told me if I did something for him, he’d take me.”

Neil wanted to scream. He wanted to reach out and steal the memories away from Andrew. But most of all, he wanted to kill that foster father.

“I never got what I wanted,” Andrew finished.

 _Murder._ Neil didn’t just want to kill that man. He wanted to _murder_ him. This wasn’t Neil thinking, this was _Nathaniel_. Maybe, for once, Nathaniel was right. Neil shook that thought away before it could take root in him. He took a deep breath in and out, trying to rid himself of Nathaniel before he spoke.

“We don’t have to go in,” he told Andrew.

“No,” Andrew said. “No, we’re going in.” He got out of the car, and Neil followed him. They walked through the parking lot side by side. They weren’t touching, but close enough to each other that it appeared as if they were touching.

Neil paid for their tickets at the window outside the museum. Andrew’s face was masked with a relaxed face as he handed Andrew his ticket. Even if Andrew appeared to be fine, Neil was nervous. Nothing bad may have happened to Andrew here, but something bad had happened because Andrew had _wanted_ to come here.

The closer they got to the front entrance’s automatic doors the more uneasy Neil felt, _but then_ Andrew reached for his hand.

 

 

If not for the massive amounts of ice cream Andrew had bought or the glass figurine in the shape of an ice cream cone for Bee, Neil may not have even noticed that they had made it inside the museum.

All Neil remembered from the museum was Andrew’s hand in his. They had walked that way, hand in hand, for the majority of their time there. The only time Andrew had let go was to pay for Bee’s figurine and his ice cream. Neil wasn’t sure if it was Andrew’s way of telling Neil he was okay, or if it was Andrew tethering himself to the anchor that Neil provided.

Now they stood in the elevator heading to their hotel room’s floor, and Neil was dying to kiss Andrew. Andrew turned to Neil. Neil felt as if every thought or want was written across his forehead.

“Wait until we’re in our room, Junkie,” Andrew told him.

The elevator seemed to move slower, or at least to Neil it was. Every part of him wanted Andrew. _Craved Andrew._ Finally, the elevator doors opened to their floor. Neil wanted to sprint to their room, but he knew with his hand attached to Andrew’s he wouldn’t get far. Had their room always been this far from the elevator?

When they reached their room, Andrew let go of Neil’s hand, and used his keycard to open the door. Andrew walked inside, and Neil followed him in. Neil closed the door behind them, and turned around to find Andrew only a breath away from him.

“Yes or no?” Andrew asked. Neil felt his warm breath brush his face.

“Yes,” Neil answered. “Always yes with you.”

Andrew kissed him hard. It was a kiss of passion, a kiss of anger, a kiss of trust. Neil leaned into the door behind him, and Andrew’s lips followed. It was a kiss because today was a good day for the both of them. It was a kiss to remember on their bad days.

He felt Andrew’s hands on him. First his shoulders, then his upper back, then lower.

Neil broke away from the kiss. He pulled his t-shirt off, grabbing it from his shoulders, and felt Andrew’s hands slip from the cotton of his shirt to the bare skin of his waist. It was like fireworks on the Forth of July, an explosion of heat and color and happiness.

“Bed?” Andrew asked. “Yes or no?”

Neil whispered a “Yes,” and Andrew led him to the bed.

Once on the bed, Neil asked Andrew, “Can I touch your hair?”

“Yes,” Andrew said. Neil reached for his hair, and slowly ran his fingers through it. After a couple minutes, Andrew melted into his touch, and their kissing resumed. The more they kissed the more Neil felt.

It was strange for Neil to think that just over a year ago Andrew wasn’t a part of his life. Neil couldn’t imagine his life without Andrew in it now. Would he even have survived the last year without Andrew? Honestly, probably not. He probably would’ve run away from the Foxes as soon as things went down with Riko at the fall banquet. His father’s men would’ve found him and his father would have killed him long before his uncle even got involved with the FBI.

Andrew had saved his life. Andrew Minyard, who everyone rushed to judge, saved his life. Andrew Minyard, who everyone assumed was the human version of the devil, continued to save his life. Andrew Minyard, who has pushed down and endured more pain and abuse than one would think possible, felt safe with Neil Josten, also known as, The Butcher’s son.

Andrew removing Neil’s hands from his hair interrupted Neil’s thoughts. Andrew placed Neil’s hands on the t-shirt covering his shoulders. Neil froze mid kiss, opening his eyes to look at Andrew.

“Anywhere above the waist is a yes,” Andrew said, noticing Neil’s hesitation to move. “No skin.”

“No skin,” Neil repeated.

It was another key given to Neil, another locked box opened just for him.

After that it didn’t take long for Neil’s arousal to hit its peak. “Andrew,” he moaned. It was barely audible so he tried again. “Andrew, I—” Andrew seemed to understand, because he started to unzip Neil’s jeans.

“Yes or no to me blowing you?” Andrew asked.

“It’s always yes with you, Andrew,” Neil managed to say without moaning.

“You’re allowed to say no,” Andrew said. Why was he asking Neil this? Didn’t Andrew trust him to say no? Why was he stalling? Was it to annoy Neil?

“I said yes, Andrew. Always yes.”

“Just because you said always doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind.”

Andrew’s eyes were trained on Neil’s. They didn’t hold the same apathetic glazed over look Neil was so familiar with. They were more serious looking, like he was standing on the edge of a cliff.

Neil understood now. Andrew wasn’t stalling to annoy Neil. Andrew was _scared_. Scared of hurting Neil. Scared of going too far without permission. Scared of becoming like _them._ Like _Drake,_ his dead foster brother. Like _Proust,_ his doctor at Easthaven. Like the foster father he told Neil about today. Like all the others who had taken everything from Andrew over and over again.

“I trust you, Andrew,” Neil said. “I trust you to allow me to change my mind. But right now, I don’t want to change my mind. You are not like _them,_ Andrew. I want this, Andrew.”

“It’s a yes.” Andrew said, but Neil still heard the subtle question beneath them.

“It’s a _fuck yes,_ Andrew. _”_ And with that, Andrew moved down towards Neil’s penis. Neil’s skin was on fire. His blood pulsed through his veins with a vengeful sensation that he didn’t quite understand. Andrew’s hands were shaking a little, but Neil pretended he didn’t notice.

Every sense was heightened.

Every touch from Andrew was a shock of electricity. Every moan, a perfected orchestrated symphony. The smell of his sweat mixed with Andrew’s, something that had they been on the field would’ve been gross, but in this moment smelt good. Every look at Andrew fueled Neil’s desire for more.

When he finished, Andrew wiped his mouth with the back on his hand. Neil’s breathing was heavy, but as Andrew’s mouth met his again, he forgot his need for oxygen. Andrew’s mouth tasted bitter and salty, and Neil savored it.

“Go clean up,” Andrew said after a little more kissing. Neil grabbed a clean change of clothes from his suitcase, and headed for the bathroom. He didn’t want to leave Andrew, but he knew Andrew needed some privacy. It didn’t bother Neil. Andrew had given Neil as much as he could, and Neil was grateful.

Neil turned on the shower, found the perfect temperature, and stepped in. The steam opened his pores, relaxing him. He felt the water and soap wash away Andrew’s touch, and he immediately missed Andrew’s hands on his body. He closed his eyes, replaying it over and over in his head.

When Neil got out of the shower, he wasn’t sure if he should leave the bathroom yet. He didn’t want to interrupt Andrew, if he wasn’t done. He started toweling himself off, when he looked at the tub. Without thinking, he turned the water on. He added some of the soap and oils the hotel had left for them, and before he got in the tub, Neil unlocked the bathroom’s door.

The bath was incredible. The jets were aimed at his back, massaging him with a perfect mix of pressure and gentleness. Neil slid down the massive tub so only his neck and head were above the soapy water. Neil closed his eyes, and allowed himself to drift asleep.

Neil was only asleep for a couple minutes, when he heard Andrew open the door. Andrew had changed into a clean pair of black gym shorts and a black long sleeved shirt. Neil smiled at him. Andrew moved a few steps towards the tub, barely looking at Neil.

“You can come in,” Neil said, inviting Andrew so he wouldn’t need to ask for consent.

Andrew didn’t give a verbal response. Nonverbally, he rolled his eyes at Neil, and got into the tub. At first, Andrew stood in the tub, the waterline just above his knees. Neil watched carefully and pleasantly as Andrew made his way into a sitting position. They sat facing one other, Neil completely naked and Andrew completely clothed, on opposite ends of the tub.

Neil watched the relaxing oils and water overpower Andrew’s tough exterior. Andrew looked so different from the guy Neil had met a year ago. He doubted anyone else noticed the changes in Andrew.

Andrew shifted in the water as he took off his long sleeved shirt, revealing his bare chest. He also wasn’t wearing his armbands for the first time this trip. Neil only allowed himself to look at Andrew’s naked skin for a second. This was a big deal. A _huge_ deal. He didn’t want to ruin it by staring.

“You can look,” Andrew said like he could read Neil’s mind. “Just don’t touch.”

Neil nodded. He wasn’t even trying to hide his smile.

As they sat there in peaceful silence, Neil’s only thoughts were of Andrew and keys.

_Andrew’s keys._

“This is nice,” Andrew said in a low voice.

“This _is_ nice _,_ ” Neil repeated.

_This._


	4. Back in the Palmetto Groove

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew, Neil, and the rest of the Foxes return to Palmetto State.

_This is hell,_ Andrew thought as he felt himself slowly going blind from all the bright and unnecessary neon orange paint. He’d only been on campus for forty-five seconds, but it already felt like an eternity. If he saw one more fucking fox paw, he was going to shove it down someone’s throat.

No, not someone’s throat. _Nicky’s throat._ Maybe then he would shut the fuck up.

They had gone straight from picking Nicky up at the airport to campus. An hour of Nicky’s nonstop talking. Nicky had made Neil go mute; something Andrew had assumed only kissing could achieve, and even then there was a fifty-fifty chance of it not working. Knives, Andrew had discovered, were the only things that ever silenced Nicky, but, since he was driving, Andrew couldn’t pull one out of his armbands.

What Andrew wouldn’t pay for someone to kill Nicky at this moment.

“ _I missed you all so much! You guys have to come to Germany with me next time!”_

_“Oh my gosh! Aaron! Let me tell you about this movie I watched with Erik! So funny! You would love it!”_

_“Wow, I can’t believe we’ve been apart for three weeks, Neil! Time flew by!”_

Nicky hadn’t drawn a single breath. He was the only person in the entire human race that didn’t need oxygen to survive. Andrew would be impressed had he not been silently fuming in the driver’s seat.

Andrew parked the car in the stadium’s lot, and jumped out, earning himself one small moment of quiet. He felt Neil right behind him as he punched in the building’s security code. He walked into the empty lobby, and took a seat on the couch. Neil did the same. Andrew crossed his legs into a pretzel to see if Neil would copy him. Lucky for Neil, he didn’t. Andrew would’ve pushed him off the couch if he had.

It wasn’t long before Nicky’s obnoxious chatter echoed throughout the building, summoning Wymack out of his office. Wymack gave Aaron, Nicky, Neil, and Andrew a quick once over as Nicky greeted him with more enthusiasm than Wymack cared for.

“Hemmick,” Wymack said. “You get checked out by Abby first. And by the time you’re finished, you have better stopped talking.” This, Andrew remembered, was why he found Wymack tolerable. Wymack hated chatter as much as Andrew did.

“Come on, coach,” Nicky said. “I’m just excited to be back.”

“I don’t remember asking,” Wymack said before turning to Neil. “Let’s go, Vice Captain,” he said, and motioned Neil to his office. Neil shot a quick look to Andrew, which Andrew refused to acknowledge or interpret, and then followed Wymack into the office.

That left Andrew alone with Aaron for the first time in three weeks. Andrew and Neil had gotten back from their road trip last night, and Aaron’s _girlfriend_ had dropped him off at the Columbia house this morning. Neither had spoken to each other. They had simply looked at each other, and then gotten in Andrew’s Maserati to go pick up Nicky. 

“Was your break okay?” Aaron asked Andrew once the silence had become too uncomfortable.

“It was okay,” Andrew told Aaron. Aaron nodded.

The words sounded wrong. Every time he and Aaron managed to speak to one another, it felt wrong. Every word they spoke had the potential of sparking. Every phrase, a new uncharted territory.

The Minyard twins were a minefield, one false step and they’d explode, or more accurately, implode.

Each step the twins took to help the other ended up hurting them more. In his attempts to keep Drake away from Aaron, Drake had destroyed Andrew. The moment Andrew had saved Aaron from Tilda was the moment he lost Aaron. Aaron had killed Drake to save Andrew, but the nightmares that haunted Aaron were close to breaking him.

The twins knew too much about one another, but at the same time, they knew too little about each other. Last year, Bee had said it would take time to heal the wounds they had inflicted on each other. Andrew trusted Bee’s judgment, he just wasn’t sure it would matter. Even if he and Aaron did heal, they’d have the scars to remind them.

Aaron’s voice pulled Andrew from his thoughts. “Did you stay in Columbia the whole break?” He didn’t miss Aaron’s non-pluralized ‘you.’

“No. _We_ went to Mississippi.” Aaron didn’t miss Andrew’s correction.

“Oh,” Aaron said, shifting his focus to the floor as he failed to hide the disapproving expression that overtook him whenever Neil was brought up. They fell back into silence.

Andrew hadn’t let his brother know he was leaving the state. _Was that something brothers did? Was it something_ family _did?_ Nicky always let them know what he was doing or where he was going. Andrew assumed it was Nicky being Nicky, but maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was the alternative life he and Aaron could’ve had.

Abby’s office door opened a few minutes later. Nicky exited, and, to Andrew’s surprise, seemed to be following Wymack’s order of silence.

“Andrew?” Abby asked standing in her doorway. “Would you like to go next?” Andrew didn’t bother answering her question. He stood up and entered her office.

Depending on the moment, Andrew fluctuated between trusting and distrusting Abby. She was a doctor, which made him distrust her, but she always asked for consent before touching Andrew, which usually meant he could trust her.

Andrew, however, would never feel comfortable with Abby. She hadn’t earned his trust in the same way that Wymack and Bee had. Wymack and Bee learned about his scars—both visible and invisible—when Andrew was ready to show them. Abby, on the other hand, had seen them within hours of meeting him. A forced revealing which Andrew had earned nothing in return.

Abby waited for him to sit on the exam table, before she shut the door. “Do you mind if I lock the door?” She asked.

“No.”

_There’s no way out._

Andrew tried to remain calm as Abby locked the door.

_You’re not safe in here._

Abby turned to face Andrew. “Okay, Andrew, whenever you’re ready you can take off your shirt.” Andrew didn’t move.

_I want to see you naked, Andrew._

“I promise I won’t touch you, Andrew. I’ll only look.”

_I promise you’ll like it, Andrew. Don’t you believe me?_

No.

Andrew knew this shouldn’t be so difficult. Still, he couldn’t stop himself from feeling unsafe. He thought of being shirtless in the hotel bathtub with Neil. He had felt safe with Neil. Why couldn’t he feel like that now?

_Neil’s next door. He’s in Wymack’s office. He’s safe,_ Andrew reminded himself.

Andrew held onto Neil’s close proximity, and the memory of both of them, _shirtless,_ in the bathtub.

_I’m not in Abby’s office. I’m with Neil in Mississippi. He’s safe._

_I’m safe._

Eventually, Andrew felt calm enough to lift his shirt, allowing Abby to see enough to satisfy her. She didn’t bother asking him to remove his armbands. She knew the scars were there, and she knew Andrew would refuse to show them again.

Next Abby asked Andrew about his diet as he pulled down his shirt. He told her the truth. After all, he was a man of honesty. Abby tried not to seem horrified by the amount of ice cream, candy, and hot chocolate he consumed, and quickly moved onto a new subject.

Neil was still in Wymack’s office when Andrew was finished with Abby, but that didn’t necessarily mean he’d be bored. Exy royalty, Kevin Day, had graced him with his presence. Andrew stared Kevin down as he casually walked towards him.

Kevin Day was never someone Andrew had thought he’d spend so much time with. When he first met Kevin he had been a coward, a drunk, and a second place trophy.

But Kevin had changed since then.

Kevin was still a drunk, sometimes a coward, but now he was a queen. He was someone Andrew might even respect someday, and that said a lot. Andrew took a long look at Kevin, almost admiring the chess piece on his cheek where, only a couple of months ago, the number two had been branded.

_The king has been dethroned._

Oh, how Andrew wished he could have been there when Riko was killed. How he wished he had pulled the trigger, or, better yet, taken him apart with his knives. But Andrew would always settle for him simply being dead. Riko was no longer a problem for him or Neil or Kevin. 

Kevin only managed not to irritate Andrew for a total of thirty-four seconds.

“Should I expect you to participate in nightly practices this season?” Kevin asked Andrew. Andrew rolled his eyes. Kevin Day would never completely change.

_Question: What is worse than Neil Josten being an Exy junkie?_

_Answer: Kevin Day._

“Stay tuned to find out, your majesty,” Andrew responded to Kevin’s question. Kevin angered quickly, the color red conquering his face, and Andrew reveled at the discovery of a new way to annoy Kevin.

Andrew took his seat back on the couch, waiting for Neil to come out of Wymack’s office, and listened as Nicky annoyed Kevin with his Germany stories. Andrew’s eyelids grew heavy the longer he sat there. He hadn’t slept well last night, and now he was being punished. Sleep pulled at him, but he wouldn’t let himself fall asleep here. He was too exposed.

There was a burst of noise, and Andrew jolted out of his sleepy state. The upperclassmen had finally arrived. The mighty captain, Dan Wilds, and her guard dog, Matt Boyd, were in front, followed in by the ever catty bitch, Allison Reynolds, and the deadly sweet, Renee Walker. He was only not annoyed to see Renee. She said a quick ‘hello’ to Kevin and Nicky before she came over to Andrew.

“Hello Andrew,” she said in her typical sweet voice.

“Renee,” Andrew said with a nod.

“It’s good to see you. Did you have a fun time with Neil in Mississippi?” She asked in a quiet voice. She was careful not to draw the other’s attention. Andrew appreciated that she kept their conversations as private as possible.

“Yes. It was nice,” he said. It reminded him of what he said to Neil in the tub.

_This is nice._

“I’m glad. Did you take any pictures? I’d love to see them.”

“Later,” Andrew said. This answer made Renee smile. She knew it was rare enough for Andrew to have any pleasant memories, let alone any he was willing to keep reminders of.

The rest of the upperclassmen were finished talking to Nicky and Kevin. They turned to Andrew expecting him to understand without needing them to explain. Of course, Andrew immediately understood. They weren’t interested in him. They were looking for Neil, but Andrew wasn’t going to give them answers to questions they hadn’t asked.

“Where’s Neil?” Matt asked, his impatience noticeable. Matt had this weird father-son bond with Neil that Andrew would never begin or try to understand. Andrew only appreciated the bond when it kept Neil safe, but Andrew was not in the habit of trusting ex-drug addict, Matt Boyd, enough to let him be Neil’s protector. That job belonged to Andrew and Andrew would hold the position _alone_.

“Is he not here?” Dan asked next. Apparently, the upperclassmen expected Andrew to be the team’s goalie _and_ the team’s personal Neil tracker.

Andrew glared at them, and then nodded his head towards Wymack’s door.

It only took a few minutes for Neil to emerge from Wymack’s office. The upperclassmen sprinted towards him as he did. Matt nearly elbowed Dan out of his way to hug Neil first. Andrew’s jaw tensed at the sight of Neil being touched without consent. Within seconds, Andrew was on his feet ready to pull a knife on Matt. Then he saw Neil return the hug, and he slumped back into the couch.

Neil was a deer in the headlights. Even after a year of being fawned over and loved by the Foxes, Neil was still shocked by their affection. After a few long hugs, however, he found his groove, but he kept sending frequent looks over to Andrew.

Everyone’s focus was on Neil, but Neil was focused on Andrew.

The focus in Neil’s stare made Andrew feel _something_. _Feel like something_.

Even when Neil wasn’t looking at him, Andrew didn’t take his eyes off Neil, just in case Neil sent him another look. It wasn’t because his looks made Andrew feel like something. It was for Neil’s protection. He did it to make sure Neil was comfortable with all of the attention he was receiving from his teammates.

Andrew watched for five more agonizing minutes before he stood up, walking towards the exit. Neil was only twenty seconds behind him, and Nicky, Aaron, and Kevin were thirty. They got into the car, and drove to Fox Tower.

The five of them walked up the stairs of Fox Tower in silence. When they reached their dorms’ floor Kevin, Aaron, and Nicky started through the stairwell’s door. Andrew had planned on going up to the roof, and just when he was about to drag Neil by the wrist, Neil continued walking up the stairs to the roof.

Andrew felt known. _Too known_. He also felt a little pissed off. For one thing, Andrew was the one to show Neil the roof. Why did Neil think it was _fine_ to assume he could use it whenever he felt like it? What if Andrew had intended to be alone?

Andrew huffed out a sigh to himself as he followed Neil up the stairs. He hadn’t intended on being alone on the roof. Neil was still annoying, though.

“I missed the roof,” Neil said when Andrew handed him a lit cigarette.

Andrew put his cigarette to his lips, took in a puff of smoke, then exhaled. “You are aware most buildings have roofs.”

“I meant _this_ roof.”

“Always with the ‘this,’” Andrew said.

Neil leaned in, and Andrew kissed him.

“I missed _this_ too,” Neil said with a grin that couldn’t possibly be meant for Andrew.

_Me too,_ Andrew thought, but said, “It’s only been a few hours, Junkie.”

“A few hours too many,” Neil said as he kissed Andrew again.

When Neil kissed Andrew, it didn’t feel like nothing. It felt like something. Something with weight and depth. And the something was painted white. It diluted the blackness that was Andrew’s world. Andrew deepened the kiss.

_Kiss this goodbye._

_You don’t deserve this._

_This won’t last._

Neil kissed Andrew harder like it was their last time. Andrew kissed him back with the same passion, because at this moment Neil felt like something.

_Neil is something._

Neil was intoxicating and infuriating. He burned and he soothed. He was the only thing Andrew felt. He was the only person Andrew heard. He could bring him out of the darkness. He was the light at the end.

_End._

_Everything ends._

Neil wasn’t a permanent solution. He was bound to leave Andrew. He was bound to find something better. Someone better. He deserved someone better. Andrew didn’t deserve him. Andrew deserved nothing.

_Nothing._

_Neil is nothing._

_I want nothing._

The scars on Andrew’s forearms ached. It was a phantom pain; he had discussed it with Bee after it had happened a few times.

Andrew stopped kissing Neil. Neil’s blue eyes opened, and Andrew resisted the urge to punch him. His face was flushed, his breath uneven. Andrew stared at him for a long time.

The pain didn’t go away. It was a steady heartbeat reminding him of who he was.

_Nothing._

_Andrew Doe._

_I am nothing._

“Hey,” Neil said once his breath evened out. He hovered a hand over Andrew’s. Andrew didn’t reject it. Neil took his hand in his, lacing their fingers together.

Andrew continued to stare at Neil. He held Neil’s hand tighter.

“Andrew?”

Andrew didn’t answer him.

“Andrew, are you okay?” Neil asked his blue eyes plagued with worry.

Andrew didn’t know how to answer that. No one, besides Bee, had ever sincerely asked Andrew that before.

_Am I okay?_

Andrew had never _felt_ okay. He had glimmers of it when Neil was around him, but he had not been okay for so long that he didn’t know what being okay felt like.

Andrew, overwhelmed, sat down, dragging Neil down with him. “I don’t know,” he told Neil. It was the truth.

He looked at Neil’s shoulder and chest. He _imagined_ putting his head there. He _imagined_ closing his eyes. He _imagined_ feeling Neil’s heartbeat, letting his pain’s heartbeat disappear into Neil’s.

Andrew hadn’t noticed he’d done it, but suddenly his head was resting on Neil’s shoulder.

Neil buried his face in Andrew’s hair, kissing him softly, and put a leg on either side of Andrew. In this position, Andrew felt Neil’s heartbeat. His heartbeat was strong and even. It soothed Andrew. Andrew felt exposed, but he trusted Neil to keep him covered as he let himself be lulled to sleep.


	5. Oldies and Newbies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m fine,” Neil said trying to reassure him. The hand on his neck tightened with impatience and worry. 
> 
> “That lie of yours got old months ago, Josten. Try again.” 
> 
> “Okay. I’m feeling a little lightheaded,” Neil admitted.
> 
> “And by ‘a little’ you mean a lot.”
> 
> Neil struggles not to fall into the pattern of lying he's been freed from, and the new freshmen are introduced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place moments after the last chapter, just so you're not too confused about the timeline.

 

Neil’s eyes were trained on the roof’s door as a peaceful sleep draped itself over Andrew’s body. A need to protect Andrew from the possibility of someone walking through the door became Neil’s top priority as Andrew’s muscles slowly relaxed into his own. Andrew’s blond hair was sticking up in every different direction against him, and Neil felt the calm, even tempo of Andrew’s chest as it rose and fell. Neil guarded Andrew with a perfect stillness that he didn’t dare break. 

There was something familiar about this moment. Not the moment itself, but the feeling it instilled in Neil. No one was there—besides an unconscious Andrew—to witness the smile that bloomed on Neil’s face as he realized the source of this familiar feeling. 

Happiness. Family. Home. Safety. _His life._

 _This is my life,_ Neil thought, _I’m Neil Josten._

Neil never grew tired of this thought, but often had to remind himself of it. He had spent so many years running from, or sometimes accidentally towards, his eventual death that he often forgot it was his turn to _live_. 

Neil Josten wasn’t a _lie_ anymore. Neil Josten was a _fact_. 

It was the truth of this fact that had begun lifting the dead weight of Neil’s anxiety-ridden past from his shoulders. 

Although his first year as a Fox had been the best of his life, Neil had gone through it thinking it would be his last. Having a family—Andrew and the rest of the Foxes—had allowed him to cling to a future, even when he knew he wouldn’t have one. The panic of his approaching death still lingered inside him, making him cautious and want to lie and run away, but he was working on it. He had Andrew to help him. He had Matt and Kevin and the rest of Foxes. He had Wymack and Abby, and if things got too terrible, he had Bee as well. He had an entire family; each member, haunted by a fractured past, somehow making him feel whole. 

Neil’s life, _his future_ , could be anything he wanted it to be. The only challenges ahead were the ones on the Exy court, and Neil knew he could handle anything Exy threw at him. 

While Andrew slept, Neil planned and re-planned his life. The possibilities, he quickly discovered, were endless. In one version, he, Andrew, and Kevin made Court. In another version, he and Andrew bought a house and adopted two kittens after retiring from Exy. In another version, Neil and Andrew played in the pros on rival teams located on opposite sides of the country, but shared an apartment somewhere in Kansas to split the distance. 

There were only two permanent fixtures in each version: Andrew and Exy. 

Exy was a given. It was his life insurance policy. Exy was the first defiance against his mother. His first life-risking step. His first step towards a real life. Eventually, though, Exy would be a part of Neil’s past. One day he would retire. One day he’d give up playing Exy. 

Andrew, however, was different. He wasn’t a signed contract or a risky decision. Andrew was a choice. He was the ‘yes’ to a ‘yes or no?’ He was Neil’s grounding presence, his anchor, and his person. He was the key to Neil’s secured lock. Neil couldn’t picture his future without Andrew in it. He was as permanent as the scars on his body. Neil would keep Andrew in his life until Andrew wanted him gone. 

After three hours sitting in the same position, Neil’s back begged him to stretch, but Neil refused. It did not matter that Neil’s back was stiff or that he was starving or that a headache was forming due to him probably being dehydrated, Neil would not move until Andrew woke up. Andrew was prone to violence when startled awake, due to his horrific past, and Neil wanted him to wake up feeling safe. 

Of course, that wasn’t the case. 

Neil’s phone, which had fallen out of his pocket when Andrew had pulled him down, began to vibrate next to him. The vibrations rattled against the dirt and broken off concrete, which covered the roof. Andrew jolted awake immediately, his elbow nailing Neil in the throat. Neil’s world went black for just a moment as he absorbed the blow, but he somehow managed to untangle himself from Andrew. 

“Andrew, it’s me,” Neil said attempting not to gag on the words. His throat stung, but his head was pounding. 

Andrew turned to look at him. “How long was I out?” He asked. 

“A few hours.” 

Neil watched Andrew’s face as he took in the information. Andrew’s bored expression was perfectly in place, but Neil knew Andrew was debating if he was okay or not. 

“Aren’t you going to check your phone?” Andrew asked after a few moments.

“Probably not,” Neil said. His voice was back to normal. “It’s probably just Dan texting me about the freshmen. She, Matt, and Renee went to pick them up at the airport.” 

Andrew gave Neil an accusatory look. “And you’re not curious, Junkie?” Andrew asked. He grabbed the hem of Neil’s shirt as he said it.

“I already know most of their stats from Coach.” Andrew’s grip on Neil’s shirt tightened. He pulled Neil towards him. “And I’d rather form my own personal opinions about them.” 

“You’re an idiot,” he said. Neil didn’t think he was being an idiot, though. Andrew had done the same thing when Neil first came to Palmetto. He hadn’t listened to Kevin and Wymack when they said that Neil wasn’t a threat. 

“How is this any different from what you did when I first came here? I just think that having an unbiased view when I first meet them will—”

Andrew put his hand over Neil’s mouth, cutting him off. “Stop talking,” Andrew said. Neil scrunched his eyebrows, giving Andrew a confused look. Andrew dramatically rolled his eyes, “You _really_ are an idiot.” He lifted his hand from Neil’s mouth. “Yes or no, Josten?” 

Neil’s eyes widened in surprise and understanding. Andrew agreed with his plan to wait until he met the freshmen. He was calling him an idiot because he trying to kiss him and Neil was completely oblivious. “Oh! You weren’t calling me an idiot because I didn’t want to know—”

Andrew cut Neil off again, “I told you to stop talking. You know how I hate to repeat myself.” He was looking at Neil with hatred, but Neil knew it was only superficial. Neil couldn’t help the smile that spread over his face. 

“Right, sorry. I mean, yes,” Neil said. 

Andrew’s lips reached Neil’s in record-breaking time. It was hard lips, but soft tongues. Slowed breaths, but a racing pulse. Neil lost himself under Andrew’s touch. His head swirled in a lightheaded sensation, probably from the rush of adrenaline, but he pushed past the feeling. All he wanted to feel was Andrew. 

Andrew’s hands found Neil’s, and he intertwined their fingers. To an observer, Neil assumed it looked sweet and romantic. For Neil, a participant, it was full of lust and anger. It was calloused palms and dry skin. It was a pull and a push. It was wanting more, but not being ready to give it just yet. 

Neil felt Andrew’s lips pull away slightly as he took a small breath. Without Andrew’s lips on his, the lightheaded feeling returned. Neil tried to blink away the spinning sky and the tilting roof, but they continued their dizzying patterns. Suddenly, his balance was gone, falling and stumbling without ever taking a step. 

Just as Neil was about collapse, a familiar hand was placed at the back of his neck, steadying him. Focused on Andrew’s hand, Neil was able to balance himself out, feeling the rest of the world spin around him. 

“Neil,” Andrew said. Neil’s eyes were closed, but he knew Andrew was staring intently at him like he did whenever Neil wasn’t himself. 

“I’m fine,” Neil said trying to reassure him. The hand on his neck tightened with impatience and worry. 

“That lie of yours got old months ago, Josten. Try again.” 

“Okay. I’m feeling a little lightheaded,” Neil admitted.

“And by ‘a little’ you mean a lot.” Andrew’s dismissive words were betrayed by the rawness in his voice. Neil’s ears reddened with a sudden burst of heat as the guilt from Andrew’s voice burned him. He wanted to apologize, but Andrew wouldn’t want it. The hand on Neil’s neck pushed him forward before he could say anything. Neil looked at Andrew, trying to express an apology through his eyes, but Andrew didn’t return the look. 

Once again, Neil had jumped at the chance to lie. He locked himself in, bottling up his vulnerabilities so only he knew them. Why couldn’t he have given Andrew this key? It wasn’t important. It wasn’t a secret. Nonetheless, the lie was engrained in him, ready and waiting for Neil to press the eject button. 

Lying was the deadliest weapon in Neil’s artillery and his drug of choice. He needed to get clean before it killed the person he was finally able to be. He needed to get clean before Neil Josten turned back into a lie.

When they got to their suite, Kevin was watching an old Exy game on TV. He looked up when they walked through the door, but didn’t speak. Kevin was almost as good as Neil was at determining the mood hidden beneath Andrew’s mask of boredom. Andrew sat Neil on the couch near Kevin, and went to the kitchen. He came back with a bottle of water, waited for Neil to take a sip, and then headed back into the kitchen. Neil continued to take small sips of the water as he watched Andrew fill a pasta pot with water.

Kevin was either oblivious to or uninterested in the tension they had brought to the room, because he started talking to Neil about the game on the screen. 

“Watch the striker’s pass,” Kevin said. Neil made a quiet grunt in acknowledgement to appease Kevin. “Did you see how he knew exactly where the other striker was headed without needing to check?” 

“Yeah,” Neil lied. He hadn’t seen the pass. He hadn’t even seen the strikers. He was too preoccupied on Andrew in the kitchen, watching as he sautéed chicken in a pan. He hadn’t so much as glanced in Neil’s direction. 

“Neil, you’re not even looking,” Kevin scolded. “How could you have watched the pass without looking at the TV?” He was worse than Nicky was when Neil missed the important part of a movie. 

Then it hit him. _Fuck_. He had just lied to Kevin without even noticing he was doing it. How many lies did he tell a day without noticing? Neil turned away from the kitchen to watch the game with Kevin. He felt like crap now. He really was a junkie. 

A few minutes into the second half, Andrew came into the room holding a bowl in his hand and a second bottle of water. He walked in front of Neil— his five-foot tall body blocking Neil’s view of the television—and shoved the bowl into Neil’s hands. Neil stared at the bowl’s contents: there was pasta, grilled chicken, and, unfortunately, broccoli, which Neil detested. Neil assumed Andrew added it to the dish for that reason. Neil looked up at Andrew. 

“Eat,” Andrew said, the word as steamy as the food in front of him, and waited for Neil to take a bite. Neil put a forkful of chicken and pasta, avoiding the broccoli at all costs, in his mouth. As soon as Neil started chewing, Andrew walked over to his desk in front of the window. Andrew pulled his pack of cigarettes from his pocket before he took a seat on top of the desk. Andrew took a few puffs of smoke, the comforting smell filling Neil’s nostrils. 

“I told you not to smoke in the suite when I’m here, Andrew,” Kevin said to Andrew. 

Andrew looked Kevin dead in the eyes, challenging him. “Then I guess you aren’t here, Kevin.” 

Kevin stood up, but, even with his height, he wasn’t nearly as intimidating as Andrew. “You can’t kick me out.” 

Andrew stared Kevin down, letting the cigarette burn out between his fingers, “I can’t kick out a person who isn’t here.” 

Kevin only lasted in their staring contest a few more seconds, until he folded his arms over his chest and said, “Fine.” Then he grabbed his phone and keys off his desk and stormed out of the suite. The door slammed behind him. 

Neil finished the rest of his food and water rather quickly after that. He brought his bowl into the kitchen, and threw out his uneaten broccoli. There were only two pieces of broccoli left so Neil thought he’d done a good job eating his vegetables. Kevin would probably have disagreed, but since he’d left, Neil decided his opinion didn’t matter. Neil washed his dish in the sink.

Once he was done in the kitchen, Neil, out of habit, went over to lock the suite’s door, before heading over to Andrew at the window. 

A warm breeze greeted Neil as he approached the window. He leaned against the desk about a foot away from Andrew. Andrew had smoked two cigarettes while Neil ate, not including the one wasted during him and Kevin’s showdown, and was currently smoking his way through a third. Andrew’s gaze was focused out the window. He was sitting pretzel style on the desk with his back perfectly straight, except for a small slump in his shoulders. 

Andrew inhaled a puff of his cigarette. On the exhale, he said, “What’d you eat today?” 

Neil swallowed the lie that immediately formed in his mouth, “Nothing until just now.” 

Andrew snubbed out his cigarette on the windowsill. “What’d you drink?”

Again, Neil swallowed a lie, “Nothing until just now.”

“It’s four o’clock.” 

Neil looked at his sneakers. “I know.”

“Don’t do it again,” Andrew said. He turned so his back was now facing the window. He looked at Neil. 

Neil looked up from his shoes. “I won’t.” 

It was a double promise, and he meant it. He would no longer lie to Andrew. 

“If you do it again, I’ll let you pass out.” This remark shouldn’t have made Neil smile, but it did. 

“I liked the food,” Neil said. It was true, but he mostly said it to annoy Andrew. 

“I hate you.” 

Neil laughed. “Sure, sure,” he said. Andrew grabbed Neil’s wrist to pull him closer, his eyes pointed to Neil’s mouth. Andrew opened his mouth to ask the question, but Neil beat him to it. “Yes, Andrew. Always a yes with you.” 

Andrew wrapped his legs around Neil, creating his own gravitational pull. Neil’s hands were wrapped up in Andrew’s soft hair, while Andrew’s were pulling Neil’s shirt off. 

A blur of pleasure and heat passed back and forth between them. 

Neil kissed Andrew’s neck, feeling the race of his pulse and the hitch in his breathing. Andrew unzipped Neil’s jeans. He jumped off the desk, and slid Neil’s boxers off. Every touch from then on exploded inside of Neil. Every graze of Andrew’s hand against Neil’s skin. Every squeeze of his butt cheeks. Every stroke of his penis. 

“Still a yes?” Andrew asked. 

Neil’s forearms and back were leaning on the desk. His breathing was heavy, and he knew his voice would be shaky as he said, “Still a yes.” 

Neil’s head shot backwards in insane pleasure as he felt Andrew’s mouth around his penis. “Fuck!” He half yelled. “Fuck yes, Andrew!” Neil felt a shift in Andrew’s mouth, and moved his head to see the smallest of smiles emerge on Andrew’s lips. His smile was gone within seconds, but that was all it took. Neil was completely undone. Completely unmade. He was a shot on goal for Andrew to save. A pint of ice cream for him to devour. A cigarette for him to inhale. 

When Andrew finished, Neil pulled him up for a kiss. His legs were jelly as he went to grab his clothes. He told Andrew, “I’m going to take a shower,” and headed towards their shared bathroom.

After a few minutes in the shower, Neil heard the bathroom door open. He poked his head out of the shower curtain, and saw Andrew taking off his shirt. Heat flared in Neil’s cheeks. This was only the second time he’d seen Andrew shirtless. Neil wanted nothing more than to pull him into the shower. 

“Yes or no?” Andrew asked when he noticed Neil watching him. 

“The hot water’s probably not going to last much longer,” Neil said trying to keep his cool, then added, “but yes.”

Andrew kept his shorts on as he stepped into the shower. “Did you wash your hair?”

“Not yet,” Neil replied. He closed his eyes, and heard the snap of his shampoo bottle’s cap. He could feel Andrew’s close proximity as he began to massage the shampoo into his hair. Andrew started gently. Neil smiled with his eyes still closed. 

The smell of vanilla was powerful, and Neil realized that Andrew was using his own shampoo and not Neil’s. The smell made Neil laugh hard. Andrew stopped at the sound of Neil’s laughter, making Neil open his eyes. 

“What’s so funny?” Andrew asked, a mix of annoyance and boredom in his tone.

“You’re using _your_ shampoo,” Neil said failing to control his laughter.

“You’ve been using it for weeks.” 

“I didn’t think you noticed.” Shampoo was beginning to run down Neil’s forehead. He wiped it away from his eyes.

“You smelled like vanilla the entire road trip. It was hard not to notice,” annoyance was over taking Andrew’s voice.

“Does it make me smell good?” Neil asked.

“It makes me hate you,” Andrew said, taking a small step towards Neil. 

A smirk grew on Neil’s face. “Well that’s not the _shampoo’s_ fault. You already hated me.” 

“One hundred and twenty-seven percent, Josten.” 

“Do you want me to stop using it?” 

Andrew didn’t answer the question. He washed the rest of the shampoo out of Neil’s hair, and then shut off the water. Neil got out of the shower first, grabbing his towel from the hook on the bathroom’s wall. He heard the _thump_ of something dropping into the garbage can behind him, but when he turned to see what it was, Andrew was already grabbing his towel and heading out of the bathroom. Neil finished drying off, but before he left the bathroom he checked the garbage can.

In the garbage can was Neil’s shampoo bottle. 

 

—

 

The next morning, Abby, Wymack, and the Foxes—both new and old— were gathering at Abby’s for breakfast, before heading over to the stadium for their first practice of the summer. Despite having stayed up late the night before catching up with the upperclassmen, Neil was drumming with excited energy. He was so ready to be back on the court. 

Everyone was assembled in Abby’s dining and living room, except for Matt and the freshmen. Matt, since he has the biggest car and the only one to volunteer, was on his way back from picking up the freshmen at Fox Tower.

Bagels, eggs, bacon, sausage, and fruit were being passed around. Once Neil had obtained a bagel and some fruit, he went in search of coffee. He found it on the kitchen table. He poured two cups, one for Andrew and one for himself. He added a drop of milk to his and five teaspoons of sugar to Andrew’s. He took a sip of Andrew’s, and sighed in delight. Neil was too stubborn to admit it to Andrew, but he preferred coffee Andrew’s way. It was the only sugary thing that didn’t gross him out. 

He returned from the kitchen, and handed Andrew his cup of coffee. 

“Thank you,” Andrew said. Neil gave him a nod and a smile, and took a seat on the coach next to him. 

Andrew’s manners seemed to perk Nicky’s interests. “Did Andrew just _thank_ _you_ , Neil?” 

“You could ask him yourself, Nicky.”

“I could, but, you and I both know, he won’t give me an answer,” Nicky said. He took a bite of his eggs.

Andrew spoke before Neil started yelling at Nicky for treating Andrew like he wasn’t in the room. “I said, ‘thank you,’ Nicky.”

Nicky choked on his mouthful of eggs, staring at Andrew in shock. Neil looked at Andrew with pride, and positioned his thigh so it was touching Andrew’s. 

Abby’s front door opened. Abby’s already cramped house became claustrophobic once Matt and the six freshmen had joined them. 

Wymack stood up to introduce the freshmen to the rest of the team and vice versa. “Alright,” he said. “These are your new teammates.” Wymack paused when he heard Nicky gossiping with Allison about the shirt one the freshmen girls was wearing. “I see a marathon in future, Hemmick.” This threat shut Nicky up immediately. 

“As I was saying,” Wymack started again. “These are your new teammates. This is Will, backliner; Clay, dealer; Jenna, goalie; Sheena, dealer; Brian, striker; and Jack, striker.” He turned to the freshmen, “Grab a plate and some food, and try to find a seat.” 

“David,” Abby said. “Aren’t you going to introduce the rest of the foxes to them?” 

Wymack grumbled something under his breath about how he didn’t get paid so they could all hold hands in a circle and sing “Kum Ba Yah.” 

“Okay, freshmen, you already met your captain and offensive dealer, Dan Wilds; backliner, Matt Boyd; and goalie, Renee Walker. This is Allison Reynolds, defensive dealer; Aaron Minyard, backliner; the loud mouth is Nicky Hemmick, backliner; Andrew Minyard, goalie; Kevin Day, striker; and Neil Josten, striker and your vice-captain.” Wymack turned to Abby, “Now can they eat?”

“Yes,” Abby said. It was obvious she thought Wymack should’ve said more, but she didn’t push it.

The freshmen dispersed to make their plates. One of the new strikers, Brian, sat near him and Andrew. Andrew ignored his presence as he ate one of the chocolate, chocolate chip muffins Renee had baked. Neil smiled at Brian. He knew what it felt like to be a new player on the team. 

“Do you know who owns the Maserati?” Brian asked. “It’s beautiful and, gosh, I’d give my left kidney to own that car.” 

Neil laughed and nodded towards Andrew. “It’s Andrew’s car,” he told Brian. Brian looked at Andrew like he was a god. Andrew looked at Brian like he was a stain on Abby’s carpet. “I don’t think he’ll be taking you up on your offer.” 

Neil talked with Brian some more, as he finished his food and coffee. Jenna and Clay, who from what Neil could tell were already very interested in one another, eventually joined them. He wondered if Allison had placed a bet on their eventual relationship yet. 

Kevin caught Neil’s eye. He was standing on the opposite side of the room, swarmed by his own little fan club, the members being Jack and Sheena. Neil heard Jack pestering Kevin about Exy as he got up to refill his coffee cup. Neil found Matt refilling the coffee pot with water to make another pot of coffee. 

“Coffee should be ready in a few minutes,” Matt said.

“Great,” Neil said. “I’m going to need a second cup for practice.” 

Matt smiled at Neil. He put his arm around Neil’s shoulders, giving him a friendly squeeze. “I’m so glad we’re back together, man. I missed you over the last few weeks.”

“We talked all the time.”

Matt gave Neil another squeeze before letting him go. “That’s because I missed you, man,” Matt said like it should’ve been obvious to Neil. Maybe it should’ve been obvious. Neil wasn’t used to missing anyone. Maybe he did miss Matt over the summer. It’s probably why he never hesitated to answer his phone when he saw it was Matt. 

“I think I missed you, too,” Neil said smiling.

This made Matt laugh. “You think?”

“Well, I’ve never had the opportunity to miss anyone before, except for my mom.” Matt’s laughter dissipated when Neil mentioned his mother. “But now that I’m thinking about it, I’m pretty sure I missed you.” 

Matt ruffled Neil’s hair. “You’re the strangest best friend I’ve ever had.” 

“And you’re the tallest.” Matt’s face lit up brighter than the sun. This was the first time Neil ever confirmed that Matt was his best friend too. 

Once the coffee was made and poured into their cups, Matt and Neil walked back into the sea of Foxes. They entered the room just in time to hear Jack say, “I don’t understand why you’re not vice-captain, Kevin. Why’d coach pick Wesninski anyway?”

The whole room went dead quiet. It was like someone had pressed pause on each conversation. Neil’s stomach dropped to the floor, while the bagel he just finished fought to resurface. He watched Kevin’s body become stone. The only part of him that moved were his eyes, they bore holes into Neil.

“What did you just say?” Matt asked Jack. He made himself a giant human wall between Neil and Jack. 

“Did he just?” Neil heard Nicky whisper to Aaron. Aaron didn’t respond, but his eyes were wider than normal. He was nowhere near a fan of Neil’s, but even he knew that name was a step too far. 

“I called him by his last name,” Jack said addressing Matt’s question. 

“His last name is Josten,” Dan said. 

“And his first name is Neil, you expendable little fucker,” Allison said. Neil was pretty sure Jack had just made it to the top of Allison’s shit list. 

“Oh, my bad,” Jack said with absolutely no remorse. “It’s so hard to keep track of what last name he’s going with now a days. He’s had, what, a hundred of them over the years?” 

Kevin broke from his frozen state to address Jack; “He only has one name now. I can promise you, you’ll have an easy time remembering it, after he’s out scored you every game this season.” Jack looked ready to respond again, so Kevin put his hand up to silence him. “I’ve seen your file, _John_ ,” Jack shuddered slightly at the name. “Neil’s not the only one on the team who has changed their name recently.” 

Neil felt a hand on the base of his neck. He hadn’t noticed Andrew standing next to him. Neil let out the breath he’d been holding in since Jack said Nathaniel’s last name. The room resumed its conversations as if it had been waiting for Neil’s breathing to cue them in. Kevin abandoned his conversation with Jack and Sheena to talk with Nicky and Aaron.

“This season just got a lot more interesting,” Andrew whispered for only Neil’s ears.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Feel free to leave suggestions for things you'd like to see in future chapters.
> 
> Also come talk to me on Tumblr (@wouldyoulightmycandle) too!


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